Two Very Special Barmitzvahs and Two Very Special Families

I know, it is already the end of February and I am writing about events over two months ago. There were so many people visiting in December and they all kept us so busy that I wasn't able to write in the blog very much. I have also been adjusting to our new scheduale at the same time that the bus routes in Jerusalem changed.........I have been doing a little more driving than usual as Yonatan no longer has one bus to take him straight to school. So I feel that I have to backtrack because a lot went on that was really fun and special, including these two barmitzvahs.





First one was Nadav Kandler and it took place in Rehovot. We were very excited to be a part of this simcha! As most of you know, the Kandlers are very dear friends from Israel who for some reason like to go on shlichut in Toronto. We are grateful that they did the first round and we were priviledged to meet them and become such good friends. Nadav has always been a "character" who is full of zest and good fun. He loves to sing and joke and is quite good company! At the same time he is always ready to give a dvar torah and discuss more serious issues. The barmitzvah was taking place at the shul of Natan's parents and we were all invited. Friday afternoon we headed out to Rechovot. We stayed at friends of the Kandlers(sr.) and were greeted warmly and settled in. Friday night we all gathered at the shul where we were "reunited" with the Kandlers. It was a beautiful davening led by none other than Nadav. Friday night dinner as all meals was served in the shul. The tables were set beautifully with coordinating table clothes, and plastic dishes, each napkin had a little homemade napkin holder made by Orit and shlepped from Canada. Actually every meal had a napkin du-hicky made and shlepped by Orit. The food...all homemade and absolutely delicious...their families had divided up the meals and everyone made , brought and yes served. It was a scene to behold, not one "waiter", yet everything went smoothly from one moment to the next, there was no panic and everyone was happy and content. We slowly began to meet different family members and to feel a part of the group. Needless to say they are not a shabby bunch! Everyone was warm and welcoming , just as you would expect from Natan's and Orit's families. Each meal of the weekend, and there were alot, was set up and taken down by everyone and each one had different beautiful tablecloths etc. Why am I telling you all these little details.......because it was so opposite to the barmitzvahs we were use to in Canada and it really struck us.........this was less fancy, and had none of the 'help' serving etc that other barmitzvahs did but it was no less beautiful or special in fact it was even more special. We are finding that the events here don't have all the 'stuff' that goes with a simcha in Chutz l'aretz but generally speaking without all the 'stuff' you can feel the actual event more directly. It is like dressing something up so much that you do not recognize it and without all the glitz you can clearly see what it is.

The other feeling we experienced at this barmitzvah was the specialness of the families and the absolute love of torah and eretz yisrael. It was especially interesting for us as olim to look at the kandler family all these years after making aliyah from England, and to see how their children (natan included) and their grandchildren (ken yirbu) are thriving and how they are so a part of this country in everyway. Friday night after the meal the community was invited to join the Kandlers at shul for an oneg shabbat. People began floating in and dessert magically appeared and singing kept happening. Then brother after brother told stories and divrei torah, it was phenomenal. What is even more amazing is that they probably don't think it was all "so amazing and special" in the same way we do because for them this is just the way they do things always.

Well I cannot end without mentioning the very special star of the day, Nadav. His laining and davening were executed beautifully, with his strong confidant voice and his divrei torah were beautiful and thoughtful. I must make a special note of his solo performance sung to his Ima on the occasion of her birthday (she turned 28).
We packed up and said our goodbyes after shabbat feeling very uplifted and blessed. What was nice about this goodbye was that we know they will be back here soon and we will be able to spend many more special shabbatot and celebrate many more simchas together!




Only a couple of days later we awoke early and hopped into the car and headed in to Yerushalayim to celebrate the barmitzvah of Noam Steinman together with his very special family at the kotel. As you may or may not know I go back with both Noam's parents...Golda and I were roommates in university in Toronto, and Ned and I went to Camp Kadimah many many years ago (not that many, we are both very young!). Last year the Steinman-Feig clan came to Israel for a family trip whereupon young lad Noam declared that he did not want one of those big barmitzvahs and would like it very much if his parents would take the money and they could celebrate his barmitzvah in Israel. So here they were although much had occured in the interim. Golda's dear father Moshe Z"l had since passed away an event which was difficult for not only Golda but also for her children. His deep connection and history with Israel did not leave a small effect on Golda and her family. Noam lained beautifully surrounded by family and friends. Especially noteworthy was the presence of his Bubbie Lillian and her sister and nephew who all made the effort to travel and be with Noam and his parents on this very momentous occasion. He wore his grandfather's tallit and near him were his grandfathers cousins (the few that were spared Hitler's wrath) and old army friends who had fought side by side with his zaydie. It was a moving event and Golda's fathers presence was very much missed but also very much felt at the same time.

After davening and laining, we all headed over to Between the Arches for a beautiful breakfast celebration. There was a wonderful warm feeling of celebration and simcha. The restaurant is in a ancient water cistern and gives you the sense of the depth of our ancient history here.


Over the past few years our children have become quite friendly and really enjoy spending time together. So it was nice to see them hanging with the Steinmans, Yonatan especially looks up to Noam and I don't mean just physically. It was also special to get to spend time with our other good old friends Mike and Faye Landau-Goldman and their kids who had just arrived the night before and were in a jet-lag daze. You know your really great friends when you can go a long time without seeing them and just pick up where you left off when you see them again, those are what you call life long friends!

We were brought back in our memories to the day after our aliyah when we were in the same restaurant to celebrate with Zev Lewis, it was only 5 months earlier but somehow we felt a little different somewhat changed since that time. It is amazing how spending even short periods of time in Israel can really change you.




Sof , sof it was a beautiful event and a special memory for all. When Noam had his first aliyah in Ottawa I sent an email to him. In it I described how we felt he was a very special person,who at his young age made such a mature and difficult decision to forego his celebration in Ottawa for something less glitzy but so deep and meaningful. If I know you this is only the beginning of your relationship with Israel and that we will have opportunities to celebrate many more simchas together. Noam, we are so pleased you did make it to Israel and that we were able to a part of your simcha.

Tevia Syndrome

I spoke to my father-in-law tonight..."I hope you guys had a nice quiet day today" he inquired.
Yes, thank Gd. , it was nice and quiet. My mind has been running circles since yesterday though. Darrell and I have been working through what happened here yesterday and if we should have prevented Avital from going out there. We think Yonatan shouldn't have been there, but he seems to have dealt with it quite maturely and I think he responded in an appropriate fashion. Discussion in the Sherman house has been lively and we all have many questions.....without too many answers I might add. I have decided that it wasn't a bad thing that the kids were there, what is more important is how we deal with it and that we help them to keep their minds open and that they analyze and look at the situation from different views.


We started with talking about why they were so sad, what was it that made them cry? We came to the conclusion that it was hard and harsh to see Jew against Jew like that. To see people hitting and jumping on soldiers and to see the soldiers picking people up, throwing people. Yonatan said it felt "weird" to see what was going on, that something just didn't seem right. He mentioned more than once how people were so emotional and kids he sees regularly around the yishuv were crying. I am sure that seeing raw emotion like that is disturbing and upsetting. He also had to answer as to why he went out there when I had specifically told him not to. He said he didn't really realize that he was going to end up at Sde Boaz, he thought he would just get closer for a better view.

We went on to talk about how people behaved...Did the soldiers behave appropriately and what about the protesters? I felt it was important for the kids to not blame the chayalim who are young kids themselves carrying out a task given to them from somewhere over and above their heads. Sort of the idea of don't shoot the messenger. I talked about viewing things from different perspectives. The soldiers there yesterday were not dati and probably none live over the green line. They do not have the same background, or the same education. They relate to the world in a different way or rather from a different perspective. They are not tied to the land in the same way a religious person is and cannot be expected to understand. They have not experienced community in the same way we have and so it is natural for them not to understand why someone who isn't directly affected is so vested...Avital said she heard a policeman and a young girl argueing...the girl asked him how he would feel if it was his home, his response was it isn't your home either so why do you care and why are you here? Avital just couldn't understand what he meant and why he would think she shouldn't care. We talked about the way protestors behaved, jumping on and punching soldiers, screaming and being verbally abusive to them. We let the kids know that we think this is an ineffective and even detrimental method of protesting. we asked them what they thought the chayalim would think and feel about and toward us at the end of the day..........will they feel sadness or empathy for us or anger and disdain? We talked about being a kiddush hashem and behaving in a mentshlich way. We talked about standing up for our convictions and not letting go or giving up land without a fight...but some of the behaviour they saw and we heard about was inappropriate and in the end it didn't accomplish anything except more bad feelings. "Seasoned" israelis often shrug off this "naive" view of ours to us being "greeners" , and coming from a place where we never had to deal with these kinds of issues. We feel it is just a different point of view, somewhat more objective and yes maybe naive but not to be dismissed, atleast not by us. We talked about the left-over anger from Gush Katif and how anger can change who we are and how we behave but that it also can remind us and help us to not make the same mistakes again. We want them to know that it is also okay to protest and protect our homes. Avital commented that on a few occasions she saw unnecessary aggressiveness on the side of the soldiers and felt this was wrong. She also commented that a representative of the residents of Sde Boaz publicly requested anyone who intended to be violent to leave and no one should hurt the soldiers. And a few protested his request but that it was clear the intent of the residents was to stay non-violent.

So this lead us to the topic of Israeli Dati-Leumi Youth. We asked the kids why they thought so many kids went out there? Did they go out to cause a scene? Were they looking for fights? Do they really understand the issue and identify with it or is it a snowball sort of effect? Avital felt that her friends identified with the issue and weren't there just because it is the thing to do. She did say though that there were clearly a few who were on a mission.....we are just not sure for what. We mostly wanted the kids to analyze what happened and look at it all from all perspectives but to also know that they need to use their own minds, and look at all the information and behave as they have been brought up to and as our torah demands of us. We talked about "mob mentality" and how a group of people can get carried away in a way they may not individually.

Darrell and I also felt conflicted about all the buzz around the event and all the different information being fed to us. It was important to me to speak to yarden and hear his perspective,his first hand account. I will try to attach or publish his mass email describing the events. When you look at different newspapers you read different stories and saw different pictures. Yarden said there was a lot of press and cameras there, he felt that everyone was looking for his own pictures....some wanted settlers attacking soldiers and others the reverse. He saw injured protestors and injured soldiers. It is really hard to make it through all the information and to know what is and what isn't. On one hand, we felt that when the "professional" army saw how much resistance there was they should have pulled back, on the other hand we feel that protestors and the youth were ready for a fight and provided a good scene. We 'hear' the outpost had ample warning to take down the house...which was a shack and one man's dwelling, with a simple bed,a few possessions and no heat....On the other hand we understand people's residual anger and FEAR of the government, army and police given what went on this summer. We 'hear' that the moetza or regional council was involved with and financed the establishment of Sde Boaz but that one or two people took over the running and expansion of it. We 'hear' that the army wants Sde Boaz to be there, it is quite strategic in the region. We'hear' that Sde Boaz is on Jewish owned land but the house which was destroyed went over onto Arab land. We 'hear' about illegal arab homes being built all over the place (does anyone hear or complain about that... any evacuated 'illegal' arab settlements in the news lately)and we have seen the recent upsurge of flatbed trucks filled with olive trees, and then the planting of fields everywhere .....legal?...where is the protest about that one?. On one hand we want to be out there standing up for what we believe, we know what we believe but on the other hand we aren't sure about anything that is going on around us.....what is fact?....What is reality...I used that expression in yesterdays blog, but today I am not even sure what it is. We feel like Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof going back and forth, back and forth. In the end we wonder if we are pawns, were we a part of a show yesterday, did everyone get to put on their own little play and spin it the way they want? Going back to the conversation with my father-in-law ,he commented "Oh, politics!" At first I thought yeah politics , but it is our lives now!....then I thought yeah we may have just been a political "play-out" but in the meantime it was my children witnessing and internalizing what they saw.

I guess in the end the best outcome was the one you have just finished reading about....the process of analyzing, talking about, trying to see things from different perspectives and feeling strong and committed to what we feel is important in the appropriate way. The best outcome of yesterday was the aftermath and conversation which ensued in our home. We feel it is our job to help our children to learn to think for themselves and that they have the necessary tools on which to draw on in times of inner and outer conflict. But most importantly and I worry that the youth of tomorrow should not forget this.... We need to act in a way befitting us, our creator and his Torah....without that, then what? Avital told us about how in the middle of the protest it started hailing and that it felt like hashem was pelting down on the scene at Sde Boaz...who do you think he was mad at?......at everyone involved...like a parent at fighting siblings it hurts to see your children fighting.

Both kids came home with mud on their boots, pants and jackets......Avital's new jacket was covered in wet mud...I washed it last night and it didn't come clean. It is stained I told her, I think it is permanently stained, I was upset about it! Today I took the jacket again and stain treated and soaked it ...I washed it a total of four times and I think the stains are out. If you look closely you can see the shadow of where the mud was but you need to look really closely to see it!

Where is Avital, You Ask?!

Don't even ask me where Avital is right now! Don't ask ! I don't want to really talk about it............okay, okay twist my arm........she is out.....no, not at the mall, no, not at a friends house, no, she isn't studying at someone's house..............she is out trying to prevent the "take down" of neve daniel's outpost. I just spoke to her on her cell a few minutes ago, the conversation went something like this.
Me: Hi Avital, did you get to the maachaz (outpost) yet?
Avital: No, the army won't let us in, so we got out of the car and are trying to make our way in on foot. UH, where are we Yarden (an adult friend of ours)? Uh, we are in some field....some arabs field?
Me: Is the arab in the field too and if so does he mind that you are there
Avital: No it's fine Ema, don't worry, we are with someone who is helping us get in. ?(like that makes me feel so much better)
Me: Okay, well,.....are you still with Yarden?
Avital: Yeah, he's with me.
Me: Well, okay you make sure you stay with him........and Avital honey, DO NOT GET ARRESTED!!!!!!!! Oh , yeah Avital it is 2:00 now you have to be home at 3:45 , you have an orthodentist appointment.


It all started in ulpan when Avital got a phone call from her friend to tell her what was going on in Neve Daniel. "Everyone" is heading out there to oppose the take down. The rest of ulpan was her bugging me to go out there with her. Class ended and Yarden , of course, announced he was heading out to the maachez. Can Avital tag along I hear my voice asking? Sure, and off the two of them go. So that's what happened. Then the above conversation takes place.........pinch, pinch ...........is this real? I guess that's what I am feeling a lot of lately! Reality! How many times have I heard about outpost take downs and think for maybe 3 minutes about the people who live there, why are they doing this and what will be? Now suddenly the outpost is in my neighborhood and my daughter andfriend are one if the "settlers" opposing the take down.

I drive home from my errand in Efrat and enter the gate of our yishuv, smack into a convoy of army trucks. I heard on the news that 6 settlers were already arrested. There were hummers and other various trucks. Again, is this real? I pass by the trucks and look at the "baby faced" soldiers, one is eating a sandwich and joking with his friend and I wonder how they deal with this. I notice that the soldiers I see are not wearing kippas, is this on purpose? Is it easier for chiloni soldiers to do this because they feel disconnected from the religious world and even disdain towards us? Will this rift ever fill in? Is it that they have this image of us that clumps us together in one group to which they cannot relate? So many questions!

I call Avital again. This time she answers crying! What is wrong... are you okay?!!!! It is just so Sad ema, so sad! I choke back tears, did I do the wrong thing allowing her to see this? I know Tali, it is sad, this is your first taste of the real reality here. I know I could not have protected her forever from all this but to hear the pain in her voice and imagining the images she was witnessing, it is painful to me. She describes the line of people blocking the police and the police breaking through them. I hear the screaming through the phone. Ema they are hitting the police and the police are hitting back. Oh my Gd. ema they are bringing in a tractor! There are a group of girls sitting on the ground in front of the tractor and then the police are picking them up and moving them. Ema, I'm sorry, I am not going to go to the orthodentist today....I cannot make it back in time! Some things are just more important!

Yonatan comes home from school and catches wind of what is going on. I want to go in also. You my little friend are not going in....anyways, you can't get there the police won't let you through! Can I just go up and see what's going on? You can go up to where the police say turn around and then you must turn around. Off he goes.

I call Avital....hi ema, they are at the house (supposedly it is 'only' one house they are there to demolish or remove), and the people won't come out, they are bringing in more army and............oh yeah, Yonatan is here..............WHAT?...........yeah, he got in with Alon (Yonatan's 15 year old math tutor)! i cannot believe it, I am not worried for their physical safety , I know they are not in front of the tractors or in confrontation with police /army, what I am concerned about is their exposure to harsh, scary images that are not just images but reality. But as a friend gently explains, this is reality, their and our reality now and you cannot protect them from it. The stories are not about the greater "THEM" anymore they are about the smaller "us". Yes, it sometimes feels scary being smack down in the middle of the 'story' but at the same time it feels right, and it feels good.......this really is our home ,we are active participants in the events that will one day be jewish history 101.

I just called Avital again, she is crying! They just finished knocking down the house, someones home! I think of Gush Katif. I think of Avital and want to hug her.
They are arresting people now, she says she's coming home soon, I think even she has had enough of reality for one day. I am going to wait now for her and Yonatan to come home so we can talk about their day.

Yonatan's Chanukah Play

It has been a while since I have written and I have received a few comments asking me where I am..........well thank Gd. we have been very busy with friends visiting and our Chanukah break. It is funny, I really miss writing and I feel that when I don't write I am not in contact with you all. This blog thing has been an unbelievable way to feel connected to our old lives and our family and friends.....or atleast those of you who read it.



Before Chanukah Break we were invited to Yonatan's ulpan school for his Chanukah play and party. I wasn't sure what this would look like and was somewhat apprehensive. As you may or may not know, Yonatan has temporarily left his school in Efrat to study hebrew language more intensely at the Baka Teen Ulpan school. It was a very hard decision for us to make as it meant removing him from a torah environment with boys similar to him and putting him in a mixed school....I mean in every way...boys,girls, religious , non-religious, and from many, many different countries. Ultimately, I think we made the right decision for him and he is learning loads of hebrew and becoming more confident all the time. He was part of the decision and took the whole situation and change on in a very mature fashion. He has also demonstrated to us his strong identification with Yiddishkeit and his ability to do what he needs to do even when the environment isn't exactly tailor made. He has once again shone in the face of change and upheaval and we are so very proud of him. He left his new chevra in Efrat and once again walked into a new school not really knowing anyone and did not complain. We think Yoni knew that this is what he needed to succeed elsewhere and saw it as a necessary stepping stone. Yonatan goes to school in Baka most mornings with Alex Pomson, who brings Anna out to NeveD. to catch a ride to her school with Avital and gang, talk about basheret. Alex and Yonatan have struck up a nice friendship and I know Yonatan really enjoys his time with Alex. Yonatan davens at the Pomsons and heads down the street to school......thank you so much to the pomsons! Yonatan has had to learn to take a bus home from Derech Chevron, two stops and maybe a half hour later he is home in Neve Daniel. He is becoming so independant and I think feels quite good about it!


Back to the party. Why was I apprehensive? I wasn't sure how this party would look like and I was worried that my concerns about his environment would be actualized. The play was about to begin and I looked about the room. There were really all kinds it was quite interesting. I introduced myself to his teachers who seemed lovely and spoke nicely about him and his progress. The play started, Yonatan was in the opening act. He looked so tall standing up there..........he has actually grown quite a bit since we arrived. He took a step forward and in a beautiful hebrew with an Israeli accent, he said his lines, nice and loud. Of course, I was blinking back tears just to see him speak hebrew in public and to so willingly and enthusiastically participate in this play. There were 8 children , one for each night of chanukah, who introduced themselves and said which country they originated from...........some of them were Canada, Ethiopia, France, Russia, Romania, USA, and some spanish country (she wasn't loud enough to hear). It was so interesting. There were songs and the teachers were enthusiastically trying to get everyone to sing. Most of the teachers are secular but you could see their strong connection to Chanukah and the story. The children presented their plays each group at their own level and I watched the teachers as they watched the kids, they were so proud and sat at the edge of their seats when anyone struggled to get the hebrew out. There was a chidon at the end and Yonatan represented his class. The teachers made sure that each child in the chidon succeeded (of course my Yonatan didn't need much help)..........I was so impressed by the level of pride and concern the teachers showed for the students.


My conclusions at the end of the day......is this an environment I would want my child to be in on a permanent basis , No........but what I did conclude was that the bottom line to a positive learning experience for any child is a positive learning environment in which a child and his difficulties are understood and where the child is able to succeed and feel good about himself. Yonatan is progressing in his hebrew in leaps and bounds and while he is still not really comfortable speaking too much I see he understands a lot....enough that Darrell and I can no longer speak hebrew in front of him when we don't want him to understand. I believe we made the right decision for Yonatan and gd. willing he will continue to expand his hebrew language skills enough to return to Rav Shmuel and kita Vav in Efrat very soon.